It's gonna be a long week

This week has snuck up on me too quickly. My head is spinning & I'm terrified!

I knew the doctors office would be calling to schedule the screenings very soon. I didn't expect it to be this week. Wednesday, Aug. 26 we will have the blood draw to start the genetic screening. Two days later, we are going back to the hospital in Galveston to have the NT scan. This seems to have hit me between the eyes. I don't feel ready. I feel rushed. I feel I'm not ready to know if something is wrong. I know things happen very quickly when something is wrong. I haven't had time to even enjoy this pregnancy, much less let it go should the worst should happen again. At least I won't have to make the "hate to tell you, but everything has gone to shit tour" again. Very few people even know about this little one. But it would still be devastating.

At the same time, I tell myself this will bring the a sense of relief and and peace of mind. I can't wonder for the next 7 months if everything is OK. This will give us the answers ~ hopefully. But I know all to well, in the blink of an eye, it could also be the end.

Going back to the hospital in itself will be emotionally difficult. The same ultrasound lab where our dreams of parenthood were crushed to pieces. The very vivid memories I have of that place and that day. Coming home and making the hardest phone calls I've ever made in my life, instead of announcing the sex of our much loved baby girl, we had to tell everyone she most likely wouldn't ever live.

Sleeping is not easy right now! I'm worried about everything. Nightmares where I wake up and there is no indication of this pregnancy. The replay of May 7, 2008, moment by moment, word for word, recurring nearly every other night. I've never really had insomnia, but I understand how those who suffer from it, absolutely despise it.

It's just going to be a very hard week. I'm more than ready for it to be over, but desperately wanting to avoid it all together at the same time. Does that make sense?

I'm more than ready for it to be over and know it will all be OK. But I know nobody can guarantee that.