Under the Tree - February 2009

From the sweetest blogger in the "baby loss" world comes Under the Tree. I was so excited to see her do this and I really wanted to participate (but -like an idiot-I had deleted my blog) so I'm back-tracking to get caught up. Please forgive me. And thank you Carly for giving me some inspiration/subject matter to write about. It's just what I needed.

How long have you been blogging for? Why did you start? What do you want from writing?
I started blog reading right after we lost Emma (May 2008). I tried one time to start a blog, but it didn't work out. I had the wrong idea. I shared my blog with a family member and very shortly after I had a conversation with this person that hurt like hell. But I couldn't talk about it on my blog. So I deleted my blog in a desperate attempt to disappear. I've learned to keep this place to myself and others like me.
I re-started because everything was just getting to heavy again.
I guess more than anything I want from this writing is to say what I want. Get those disgusting thoughts out of my head. And for someone to say, "yes, that's exactly how I feel". I love those moments where I can leave that comment for someone on their blog. Validation of these feelings from others.

Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?
A Heartbreaking Choice (AHC) has always felt like home to me. Many different situations lead women to that particular site. It was helpful to hear from women who had been in my same situation, letting go of a very much wanted pregnancy. Tripoidy support on babycenter.com was also very helpful. I didn't feel like such a freak. This "never-heard-of-in-my-life" diagnosis had happened to others before me. I never lose the fear of someone politicizing my situation. I never feel completely accepted anywhere I go. I must always have my guard up and my mask on! That's just the way it is. The minute I open up and talk about the truth of my situation, I get attacked. Some will never understand how hard this is.

Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?
Not a book on baby loss at all, but I read "The Last Lecture" on our vacation after we lost Emma. It was perfect. I laughed & cried. I couldn't put it down. Next I read The 5 People You Meet in Heaven. Those two books went really well together, IMHO. I really didn't read any baby loss books.

How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. How have you changed, who are you today?
Before: I was very aware that not all pregnancies work out perfectly. But never in a million years thought I would be on this end of it. I was giddy happy for the first time in a long time. After watching all of our friends get married, have a baby, I was so happy it was finally our time. Our Turn. We had waited 8 years.

After: ANGRY. I am angry at the world right now. Have been for a while. I feel I have been duped!!!! Like someone played a sick joke on me, and that someone being God. I just can't accept the "it was just a fluke" or "it was meant to be" thing.

How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?
Not to well right now. We're coming up on the one year anniversary and it's getting heavy again. Re-living the past. Maybe that's why I wanted to start blogging again. You can't run from grief, it will hunt you down, find you and make you deal with it! Right now it's pretty dark, but I know that is to be expected at the one year mark. One year from now, I hope we will have or be on our way to having a family.