Some drastic changes!

OK, so when I started this blog, I was going through a very tough time to say the least. The first year anniversary is always tough. I knew that. I thought it would be a good way to write out story and get through those tough days.
It helped, I think. Not sure. The jury is still out on that one.
Looking back at what I have written I must say I'm ashamed of myself.
I haven't handled much of anything with any grace. I said to many people, don't use me as an example, I'm the example of what NOT to do! And that was completely true.

My life looks so "black" if this is all you know of me.
I never intended for it to be that way, but it just happened.
Really, I have a great life. I'm blessed with more than I deserve. We've just been in a low valley for quite a while.
It's time to start looking at the hills that are present everyday as well!

So, no more "On this day".
I'm done with that.
I'm living for today & tomorrow.
One day at a time in....

Gogleville!

Yes, my last name is Gogle! Pronounced like Go-gle. So is that just cute or what?
And no, I have no affiliation with Google in any way!

I noticed I haven't written much of anything about myself (other than the obvious).
I don't want this event alone to define who I am. Of course, it is now a part of me, but I'm realizing it's time to let go and move on (boy, that is hard to write!) But it's the truth!
I've been stuck in a rut.
We've stuck in a rut.

So from today on...I want my blog to be.... I don't know!!!
More of a journal of our everyday life. Happy, fun, inspiring.
Yeah, that's how I want it to be!
Of course there are going to be difficult times, but I can handle it without sinking into a big, stinking pot of depression and anger -right? We'll see. I'm just a wee little person in this big world, and sometime I feel eatin alive by life. I'm trying & I'm learning! That's all I can do. Ask God to guide me & give me peace.

I love photography and have been studying quite a bit lately.
Learning how to use my new Nikon D80 DSLR has been challenging, but FUN!!
So, maybe some photos would be nice to post here.

In the last 8 days, I have changed more than I ever thought possible.
And I know I'm still changing!! I can feel it.
(Changing for the better, if I don't say so myself!!!)

When we lost the baby, I started smoking like a train! I hate to admit it, but it's the honest truth. I desperately needed to get out of"mommy mode". We had no other children to pour ourselves into. I don't drink at all, so smoking has always been my "thing".
I smoked before the baby as well, but quit when we found out about the pregnancy. By then, the problems had already happened. The baby was already sick. We had no clue until 4 months later, but the damage was done. I carry a lot of guilt for not quitting BEFORE we got pregnant. But..that's life. I can't change it. I can't dwell on it anymore. It happened. I learned my lesson!

So, today is 9 days smoke free!!!!! I have quit on my own (with a patch). I can't believe it!!!! It has been HARD!!! I have had to re-learn to live again. Which is really sad, but completely true. I couldn't do anything without a cigarette. I was in a self imposed prison that I didn't like, but the addiction would not let me go. I have been depressed (no doubt) and smoking feeds right into that, a vicious cycle. I'm depressed so I smoke, I smoke because I'm depressed! And round and round we go!!! weeeeeeee!! Except it's just not that much fun!

No more!
I'm breaking free. I feel like a different person today than two weeks ago. I feel I have walked out of a thick fog, literally!! And I feel great & can already tell a difference in my attitude & complexion. Now that's major motivation! I have my confidence back (well some of it). It's getting stronger everyday! For the first time in I don't know how long, I actually got up and got dressed on Sat & Sun. (Those were my "bum" days - I never got dressed or went anywhere. How pathetically sad!!!)
Well, this weekend was great. We had a small BBQ at our house with some great friends and then went shopping on Sunday! (Jenny Coin will love this - at TARGET!!! - and yes it is now my favorite store also!!!) I bought some new clothes for the new me! Things I would never have bought before! DRESSES!!! OMG!! I'm a T-shirt & jeans Texas girl, so this was BIG! Ron & I never shop together, so this was a change of pace & a lot of FUN! Who knew?

So that bring us to the next step.

It's time.

We've healed as much as we possibly can.
I think the only thing left to do is to try again.
I can't feel like a failure all of my life in regards to pregnancy.
And every pregnancy announcement I hear is a knife to the heart.
It can't be like that forever. We need some good news as well.
We talked about it last week.
I voiced my concerns Ron.
(I will talk about these concerns soon I'm sure.)
I'm terrified to think of pregnancy again, but I can't just give up.
We want a family soooo badly.
And hear that old clock just ticking away. Tick, tock!!!

So, this month we will start trying again.
We're not telling family.
We're not telling friends.
This is the only place I will talk about it for now.
Emma was conceived the first cycle of trying. (Boy, was Ron proud of himself.)
Dare I say I don't want to announce it until the anatomy scan @ 20 weeks.
Can someone who weighs 110 lbs hide a pregnancy that long? (I can always say the weight gain is from quitting smoking - right?)
I doubt it, but I'm very hesitant to announce anything until we know all is well.
We're still very much scarred from the past.
But thinking about trying again make me feel excited and positive.
Maybe this story can have a happy ending.
I'm glad we waited a year.
But, my goodness, it's been a long & difficult year!!
I'm ready for our story to move on.
I'm ready for life to move on.
I'm ready to be happy again.

I guess this was just a really long way of saying.......I'm finally ready.
Baby fever is in full gear!